Lonely....

I felt very lonely yesterday... I don't know why... suddenly felt that the last 21 years of my life was pointless...

Here I only have my sister and she can't be available 24/7... She was tired yesterday and she couldn't stay up to talk to me... I just needed some company but she was just too tired... I didn't blame her but I didn't feel any better either...

Relocating here has been really hard... I feel I lost a lot of my freedom here...
I cry in the toilet and there's no one else that I can express my fustrations to... I miss so much of my life in Singapore...

I can walk on the most beautiful pathway home... I stroll home close to midnight and I look at the moon in the sky, I can smell the fresh grass and I hear the crickets in the field next to me... everything was so beautiful and relaxing...

Right now, I can hardly even walk home on my own after 9pm... my uncle insists on driving me home from the bus stop... No one can walk home after the sun goes down without the fear of being mugged by someone...

At the bus stop, I met a group of African American girls...It was drizzling and getting late.. and they were asking people if they could borrow a phone... the Chinese being the paranoid they are, avoid them, pretending they don't understand English... they make some racist comments about Chinese not understanding English... I couldn't ignore so I said, "Yes?" They talk loud and act tough but they were grateful someone stopped to lend them a phone... but I was still cautious because I didn't want them running off with my phone... so I put the caller on speaker phone... they made their call and I helped them out.. that was it...

My uncle witnessed that and told me in an authoratative voice to NEVER do that again. I should just ignore them next time... He told me that they will just snatch your phone once you take it out...

I hated what he said... I cannot live like them... being scared of the African americans and being scared of everyone... I have my own judgement too, I hate it that he treats me like some stupid naive child who don't know any better... America has guns, crazy people, drugs, drunk driving, tragedies, terrorists... I know... but I don't want to live in fear... if I'm meant to die I'll die... there's no escaping fate... But i don't want to live everyday in this kind of paranoia... I can't...

I feel so trapped and so dreadfully unhappy.....